I find it strangely appropriate that my friend Melissa wrote a blog about “Hard Walls, Hard Heads”, literally hours before I listened to an awesome message about “Finding my Purpose”, at church Sunday morning.
I have been banging my head against a wall for sometime now, trying to determine what my purpose in life is…. But in one weekend, I think my efforts have paid off (just a little)… My HARD head, finally broke through the wall!
Time for a little self reflection…..
I often feel like telling someone I’m an extrovert, is akin to convincing them the sky is in fact blue… I imagine them thinking something like “thank you captain obvious”, while they smile politely and nod. So, to a self proclaimed extrovert, you can imagine the physical pain it causes me being tethered to a desk in the confines of my bedroom, for ~8hours a day, with spans of multiple days were my farthest reach to the outside world is a walk to the pool with the boys.
(Insert silent… or not so silent… scream….Followed by: Wooooooosaaaaaaa…)
O.k. I’m feeling better.
I kept bringing it before God, on EVERY ‘Expecting’ card my church would hand out… I’d write “Guidance for a new career path”, in prayer throughout the day, I know he knew my petition. I couldn’t accept that God would put someone he’s wired SO obviously to be with people, in a corner…. I mean “Nobody puts Baby in the Corner” ;).
This weekend it struck me… God’s not ‘Nobody’ (or even just somebody) he IS “I Am”…. and Baby still has some growing up to do.
I was a non-confrontational people pleaser, who craves acceptance… That’s a dangerous statement people, and the truth of the matter is, “I was” is still dangerously close to “I am”. God know’s this…. He also knows, as a good parent, occasionally he needs to step in and protect us from ourselves… In my case, get me to shut up long enough by sticking me in ‘the hole’ as I’ve affectionately named my room, so I can learn to hear his voice over my own.
He will fulfill his purpose in me. There is no other reason I can think of for him pulling us up out of Austin, and planting us in this AWESOME faith filled community of believers. He know’s my heart is to be with people, but he alone will know when I’m ready to face confrontation and stand firm in his acceptance, not compromising my faith for the acceptance of those around me. Until then, he has surrounded me with some of the strongest believers I’ve ever met, whom separately are inspirational in their own right, but collectively…. There just aren’t words for what their capable of… you’d have to experience it yourself to believe it.
The way I look at it now… God’s version of solitary confinement has gotten a LOT better over the years… Moses had sheep… for 40 years (I really hope my head isn’t THAT hard)… I’ve gotten to meet some amazing people and work out of my home while my boys are growing. While I’m still acting a little petulant, hoping I can get out early on good behavior :), I’m at peace that my time here isn’t about the spreadsheets and e-mails I can tick off, its about all I’m learning in spite of that.
I think Brandon Heath said it best “There is hope for me yet, because God won’t forget, all the plans he’s made for me. I’ll have to wait and see, He’s not finished with me yet…. He’s not finished with me yet”.
***If your interested in watching the video podcast for the “Finding your Purpose” message, you can go to the following link, I think it should be posted out there by Tuesday/Wednesday at the latest: DC Metro Church Video Podcasts for “Vintage” Series. ***