Adventures in Pumping

**Disclaimer** This blog may contain a little too much TMI for any male readers I may have… Dad this means you… however it is WAY too funny not to share, so read on at your own risk and don’t say I didn’t warn you!***

I’m a proponent for breast feeding. I agree with all the nutritional benefits it stands to impart upon my child, I think the bond developed during that time of feeding is priceless, and….. Oh who am I kidding… I’m cheap and lazy! When I found out it cost ~$30 for a container of formula, which might last 2 weeks TOPS, and then having to wake in the middle of the night to mix and heat formula, and remember to tote it around with me whenever we went out??? No thanks!

I didn’t realize, until registering for baby material while pregnant with Caleb, that my alternative to the $30 Formula containers would manifest itself in a $300+ Breast pump… Can we say EXTORTION!!!! The money miser within almost balked completely and walked away saying the girls would just have to do their thing, I didn’t need any outside assistance… however the realization that a 3 month maternity leave would come to an end and the girls would have to return to work with me, left little wiggle room. I took solace in justifying that $300 amortized over multiple children resulted in pennies on the dollar and the ends justified the means.

That was until this past week….

I’ve always taken pride in being somewhat of a dairy farm, I had more than enough to feed my little man, and could even ship some off to premie’s in need. I’d navigated through 4 turns with mastitis, all in the name of better nutrition, so I was more than a little concerned when my ‘supply’ began to dwindle with Logan only rounding the 4 month mark. It was taking WAY longer than normal to even get a couple ounces produced via the trusty pump, and we were going through my ‘reserves’ at an alarming rate.

Last night Kevin volunteered to disassemble my pump in an effort to return it to its original glory, because remember, we are far to cheap to toss the towel in without a fight and ante up for a new one. Upon further inspection a critical piece used to create the suction had perforated, thus resulting in a weak seal, and poor production… YAY Problem solved!!! Not quite, the pump still didn’t work after our spit and shoe string attempt at fixing it. What to do…. You other mom’s out there realize the predicament I was faced with… a couple of days of reduced production and your body starts throwing in the towel for you and after that, there’s little hope for recovery… We had to act fast… So what did we do???

I’ve heard stories of the husbands that take one for the team and step up to the task, but the mental image of that alone for me was a bit much, that was a line I couldn’t cross. We did however come up with our own hybrid version! Against my better judgment, I need to create a visual for you… the pump parts are funnel in nature, they connect to a bottle, and long tubes attach to the pump that creates the suction necessary to produce… Well we’d already determined the suction had been compromised, so in an experimental effort, Kevin took the end of one of the hoses that had been attached to the pump, placed the end in his mouth, and inhaled deeply….

“YOWSA” I exclaimed when I realized what had happened, glanced down, and was awe inspired when I realized it was working! He took the second hose and tried for 2 at a time… Success! Then he handed me one of the tubes and said “get to work”, while he manned the other. I thought it was hysterical… sitting there watching Grey’s Anatomy, both sucking through a long hose to essentially siphon out the “boobie juice” (as we refer to it around here), through the funnel provided and into the bottles, all without ever having to touch the stuff! I was getting a little cocky in our new found invention and challenged him to a race to see who could fill up their bottle first (there really is something wrong in my head)… All was going well, until I lost my focus during a great scene of Grey’s, somehow miss handled the equipment (that we were obviously using for the intended purpose), and didn’t notice the the hose was no longer siphoning correctly and took a big gulp of… you guessed it …. ACK!!!!!

Up to that point, I had never, would never, never crossed my mind, to try the stuff… There was no curiosity as to what I was feeding my children. I was, and still firmly remain, in the camp of individuals that am equally amazed and grossed out by the fact my body can nourish my child. Thank you God for feeding my baby, now pass me my PASTURIZED 2% and plate ‘o Oreo’s please!

The milk mishap was the divine intervention the money miser mini me πŸ™‚ needed to concede Mama’s mouth is not the mechanics intended for creating suction, and motivated me to find the fix or ante up for the new pump! Chalk one up for the good guys, this Milk Mystery is solved!


  1. Kassy says:

    That is too funny. I would think that sucking on a tube that hard for that long would have given you a headache. The best part is that I can totally picture Kevin handing you a tube and telling you to have at it. So funny.

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