We did better today. I use the pronoun we, as I’ve decided there are many sides of me to this fast, and I’m only slowly learning what they are. For example, yesterday when we kicked this off, I was was under the impression it was only me, but my stomach has since alerted me I am not the only one. She has been a rather verbose presence today, and she’s not all together happy with our decision, in fact it would appear that I’m dragging her along kicking and screaming, trying to beat her into submission. I tossed her a bone for dinner, a cucumber to dull her mind numbing cravings.
I’m learning, just on day two, that the multiple sides of me that I don’t realize exist are usually quiet because I satisfy their every whimper. They have me so well trained that I doubt it even takes a whimper, I’m usually over indulging their every wish, to such a degree they stay quietly nestled in my sub-conscience. For example, the fact that my husband is noisily munching on chips and salsa right now, and I can smell their salty fried goodness, mere inches away, has me salivating like Pavlov’s dog…. but here I sit working on discipline that is NOT of me…. I would have devoured the bad in about 2.2 seconds, but the harder I focus up, the easier it becomes to not focus out.
The reason I miss out on learning an actual sustainable life style through these processes was clearly laid out to me with this past Sunday’s sermon, and is evidenced quite clearly by my paragraph above…. I get SO freaking proud of MYSELF for successfully fasting! What was the sermon on this past Sunday you ask? “The Pride Challenge”!!
The result for missing the point of God’s challenges our Pastor told us, is repeating them over and over and over (ad nauseam)… seriously I’m kinda nauseous over here, until we get it! Who wants to do that, and yet we do it every day! We choose things that are not healthy for us, whether it be wasting time on the internet (guilty), eating for the fun of it rather than the fuel of it (guilty), watching mindless entertainment on T.V. rather than contributing our time to something more useful (guilty), spending frivolously as needs go unmet (guilty), the list could likely go on, but I’m getting depressed over here (j/k…. kinda). We satiate appetites for the useless without ever questioning why, because in the grand scheme of things we tell ourselves they aren’t hurting anyone, and they certainly don’t seem to be hurting US, so why would we question it!?!
Don’t go thinking this epiphany has elevated me to any new level of consciousnesses, it’s not like I’m never watching another Modern Family or having a plate of nachos again, not by a long shot! BUT…I do find it interesting that it doesn’t even hit my radar as being excessive until it is cut out completely, and the fact that when we’re successful in such efforts that we have to make sure SOMEONE notices! I find a little bit of comfort that its not just me, our entire nation is a swimming cess-pool of pride, but if we’re being honest how long does someone really want to find comfort with that analogy?
Going back to Sunday’s sermon I learned that pride is birthed out of insecurities, makes sense. Someone doesn’t feel secure enough so they have to shout from the roof tops their successes so they an be filled up with assurances, and until they find the root of their insecurity and remove it, they’re doomed to repeat the cycle. I should warn you (if you haven’t picked up on this by now) my brain tends to work in extreme, all or nothing situations…. In my depiction your either Jesus or the Devil himself, not realistic expectations. I think I’m picking up my theme for 2012… its all about balance, and finding the right balance.
Oh how I wish it were easier, but things that are worth it rarely are!