Tomorrow, my little man will head off to his first day of Pre-School. Tonight, my emotions are at war over this step… one small step for man kind, but one ENORMOUS leap of faith for a Mother.
Over the past 2.5 years, I’ve had the privilege and burden of being able to experience essentially every option us ‘modern mother’s’ face. I’ve been the ‘stay at home mom’ (without working) for a total of 6 of those months. I was the ‘day care drop mom’, heading off to my 8-5 for ~18 months while Kevin finished up his degree at UT, and for the past 7 months now I’ve been a ‘stay at home/working mom’.
I’ve had my heart ripped out, and had to drive away from it, sobbing all the way to work those first weeks leaving Caleb. I questioned everything, worried about everything, doubted everything… There were no two ways around it though… I was the insurance that tiny human needed should anything unforeseen occur, and so it went day after day for 18 months. Pictures and updates from a great provider helped assuage some of the guilt, but it didn’t eliminate it.
When Kevin got his offer in Virginia and we thought that meant I was transitioning to a full time stay at home mom, I was excited (while still nervous) as to what that would mean… Would I be enough, could I handle all the demands day in/day out without losing my mind?!? So I doubted, and questioned, and worried. God knew my limits and stepped in, allowing me to, in my opinion have it ALL! For the past ~10 months I’ve been WITH my boys, if I couldn’t see what was going on, I heard it… The mornings I just couldn’t function from lack of sleep the night before, an angel would appear around 8am, and I could retreat to the peace and quiet of answering a few (hundred… blah) e-mails that didn’t require entertaining. Yet, when I emerged from my funk a few hours later, a tiny hand would be slipping me a freshly minted picture under the door, to which a big kiss and hug would follow when I opened it up to express my delight! All the giggles, cry’s, make believe games, crafts, etc… It’s been amazing, and I’m so thankful to have been given this opportunity.
When our angel was called in a new direction, I knew I had gotten a little too comfortable with my cush situation, but struggled to figure out what MY new direction was supposed to be. There were two facts at odds with each other: I didn’t want to give up my time with the boys and it is CRAZY expensive to live in this area, so giving up a flexible job didn’t seem like the answer either.
With Logan still taking two naps a day, a morning Christian pre-school for Cub seemed to make the most sense. I reassured myself it was only 2 days a week, and 3 hours each day, that he would flourish with the stimulation and enjoy the socialization, and after continuing to pray for someone to continue coming around the house, I’ve found another ‘angel’ who can help fill in the other days.
However, now mere hour’s from driving away from him again, the tears well up and the doubts resurface… but as they do, I’m reminded of a different Mother’s face. My mom’s. When she dropped me off on my first day of college, and again when I waved goodbye as Kevin maneuvered the moving truck toward Texas.
Tears are o.k. but my doubts are unwarranted. Tears remind us how deep our love for another runs, how they are part of our very being, a part of us we would not trust to just anyone.
My mom trusted God to take care of me, and he has time and time again. So I will place that same trust in him to protect my baby as I release some of the control, and pray that he will flourish.
A woman I look up to has a great saying, “Love Deeply, Hold Loosely”, as its our responsibility to give back to God what is not ours hold… while the notion is noble, it doesn’t make it any easier to execute!