My Emoticon Confession

Almost two years ago I used my tiny little platform here to address my all consuming hatred for the ‘hashtag’ movement.  You can read that here, if your curious, along with a few other random thoughts  from our life 2 years ago.

Today, I need to discuss emoticons.

I don’t hate emoticons.  I actually love receiving them in my texts from my friends and sisters.  Kevin has not sent me a single text with an emoticon in it.  Not one.  Ever.

Today, I need to make sure all of my loved ones know, I would send you a lady dancing in a red dress if I could.  She’s my favorite.  However, I’m still using my i-phone 4S.  I’ve never, not once in the 2+ years I’ve had it, done a software upgrade.  So, alas, I can’t download the app that would put these fancy little faces, that portray the entire gamut of human emotion, on my phone.

I actually can’t download apps anymore…. they all require a more advanced i0S… or whatever its called.  I’ve been asked by Apple approximately 70-gagillion times if I would like to upgrade.  They’ve left a bright RED glaring reminder on my screen that an ‘update is pending’.  They’re subtle like that.  However I’ve been warned that clicking that fancy update would leave my phone essentially useless and would require an upgrade almost immediately.  So basically I’m using the Apple equivalent of a flip phone.  Remember those?  Probably the first cell-phone you had.

I’m not saying conspiracy or anything, sending software updates to your phones that preempt a phone upgrade.  You can draw your own conclusions.

Either way, the only reason I would entertain an upgrade at this point is for those lovely emoticons.  I feel a little guilty honestly.  When the people I love send me 17 hearts, followed by 13 smiley faces, and that sweet little lady in the red dress, I KNOW I’m loved.


What they get back……is this   : )

A  colon and a parenthesis.  It’s like I’m stuck in 6th grade and we’re all so excited we just figured out how to spell ‘boob’ with our calculator “8008”.   You send me all that love with sweet little faces, and you get a colon and parenthesis in return.  It’s a wonder you still speak to me at all?!?   Let’s not even get started on when you’re sad, or upset.  images

I can FEEL your pain, with those over-sized tears sliding down that perfectly round yellow face.  What do you get back from me???      : (        I mean REALLY?  What even IS that now a days?  Do you all know I’m frowning for you?  Tears are too tricky.  I can’t figure out how to give you tears.  If I send my trusty semi-colon, you think I’m winking at you.  I can’t wink at you when you’re sad!  What kind of friend would I be?!?  I have to save the semi-colon for when I’m being really sassy and NEED you to know I’m kidding.  I don’t have hundreds of other options, like you, to convey my feelings.  I’m either happy, moderately sad, or sassy.  Those are my three options.

When you tell me about your days, walking your dog, and that steaming pile of poo he left behind for you (what is that one about???).  When you’re traveling, when you’re grabbing some drinks, I can even tell which ones.  A martini.  A beer.  A glass (0r 16) of wine (no judgement).  All you get back from me is silence.  Dead air.  Until today, I realized I’ve left you to draw your own conclusions.  You probably felt so abandoned by me.  I hope you can forgive me friends.  Please know I’m mentally sending you all those emoticons in return.  When I finally get a new phone, I’ll join your ranks.  However, by then, you’ll be passing gif’s back and for to each-other, privately texting about what a nerd I am for using emoticons.   : (

I love you!  <3   (my attempt at a heart)


  1. kacinpoint says:

    My husband only uses gifs. Eats up my memory. Drives me crazy. Emoticons rock!
    You could always do what I did yesterday. Drop your phone in the street and make sure it lands exactly on a corner. The entire screen will shatter. Guaranteed.

  2. kaley says:

    Hahaha I don’t have emoticons either!!! We have Android and I’m not sure how to get them! You’ve portrayed my dilemma perfectly!!!

  3. Dianne says:

    (What’s “Project Fi”??). You make me smile? ????❤️ haha….I even have these fun things on my IPad!! Love you. Mama D. 🙂

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