Remembering Who I Am

This is a midnight post, even if my dumb time stamp doesn’t ever record properly, so I warn you in advance… this is Julie ‘unplugged’… It may not make sense, it probably won’t flow, but I had a lot in my head I wanted to get out so I could go to sleep 🙂

Did anyone watch Private Practice tonight? I did, and one of the story line sequences stuck with me. The story line was of this woman, she was in a car accident just before learning she was pregnant and couldn’t retain any memory since the accident, not even a conversation occurring moments before, or the fact she was pregnant… despite a growing belly. For anyone that saw that Drew Barrymore/Adam Sandler Movie… pretty much the same thing, only were Drew could remember everything until she slept again, this women couldn’t remember past 2-3 minutes.

So I was at Sisterhood tonight (did ya’ like that transition… yeah sleepy time), they did their first annual Night of Pink, a night bringing awareness to Breast Cancer and honoring supporting any and all who are impacted by it, the ladies who set up knocked it outta the park, looked amazing! Anyway, Taryn get’s up and starts in on her message… (sidebar… I love how real Taryn is, and that she’s willing to share her ‘hot mess’ moments with us, especially when those speak directly to every insecurity I hold about being a mom.) Right…back to the message… It was about “Remember who we are, Remember who God is, and Remember all that he still has to do through us”.
Go back with me now to the Private Practice episode that came on 15 minutes after I got home from hearing that message. Guess who feels like the lady in the car accident with a 2 minute recall button now?!?
Seriously people, my dementia is BAD… I think there might be a slight touch of adult ADHD in there to (I know… massive shocker to so many of you) which doesn’t help matters. Yes, I know my name, and all my memories are still in tact…. but most days I honestly feel like I could be walking around and someone could be telling me “You are a cherished daughter of God, loved beyond all comprehension, and capable of anything” and two minutes later (or less some days) I could look back at them blankly and say “huh?”
It mirrors so closely to the story line, because I can draw up pretty much ANY pre-believing (or pre-accident as the storyline goes) memory with ease…. and dwell there for as long as I want (or usually don’t want)…. but after… if I don’t have my reminders telling me who I am and what that means, I can forget all to easily. It reinforces to me JUST how important the community you are surrounded with is. When I’m away from a strong message for too long, I feel it…. If I’m surrounded by negativity or negative influences, I feel it…. Heck if I’m by MYSELF for too long… and I don’t force my mind to retain my new memories, the old ones come in, take hold, and it can be quite the fight in my brain for whose gonna win that one. (Yes, there are quite often voices in my head, but I seem to be a functioning psychotic, so let’s keep the straight jackets put away just for a little while, shall we?).
Well that’s it… That was my big Ah-ha moment of the night that I had to get out of my head so it didn’t keep spinning. Luckily now that I have an image in my head, of my so called ‘dementia’, I can use some of the tactics they employed to battle it… Constant reminders, posted everywhere, at every turn, reminding me who I am and what that means.
Now if I can JUST remember to do that in the morning…. wait… what was I saying again…. Goodnight all!

One comment

  1. Country Bumpkin says:

    Silly mama, it’s not psychosis or ADHD, you have CIDIDIT = Child Induced Disorder of Intermittent Delirium and Incredible Tiredness! (How’s that for an acronym? “See, I did it Mom! See I did it!”) CIDIDIT is so common among mothers of young children yet so rarely spoken of in the medical community. Sometimes referred to simply as “mom brain”, CIDIDIT has the ability to reduce even the most intelligent, powerful women to babbling, teary-eyed wraiths that wander room to room, repeating “why did I think I could do this?” Sufferers fear they may never think rationally again, may never wear clean clothes, may never complete a sentence that doesn’t end with “Take that out of your mouth right now!”. But the truth is this condition has a high cure rate. Treatment consists of lots of sticky hugs and kisses, regular nap times, and oddly enough, frequent contact with other CIDIDIT sufferers. Remember, you are not alone, you are not crazy, you are doing something that no one else in the universe can do – raising your children to be the best that they can be, while rocking the rest of the world with the amazing, motivated, organized, giving and caring woman that you are! If your short-term memory has to suffer for the moment, don’t worry. There are plenty of people out here that will remind you daily “Don’t ever forget how awesome you are!” And someday, you will look back with pride and exclaim “See, I did it!” Love you Jewels!

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