Some days I can’t see my kids. I can see the wake they leave. I see the piles of clothes, the scattered toys, the crumbs. The smears of childhood paint my house. I can hear them… Oh. My. LORD. I can HEAR them. I see the innumerable ways my life revolves around their existence, and how it differs so completely in comparison to a life without littles. In the face of ALL that evidence, or maybe because of it all, I’m still able to completely miss seeing THEM.
Some days, however, I see them for EXACTLY who they are. Those days make me smile.
Caleb. Your brain FASCINATES me. How you see things. How you interpret the words I say. Your insatiable curiosity. I’m fairly certain you’ve asked more questions in your first 7 years of life than I have in my 33, and I thought myself to be a curious person. I know you might not believe it, but I truly hope you never lose this thirst for information…. I may just want you to recruit a few more people to employ in your inexhaustible search to understand ALL things. 😉 I’m in awe of you little man, and SO excited to see where this meticulous collecting of all knowledge takes you. I have no doubt you are capable of executing every single thing you ever put your mind to. My prayer is that you train your ear to that of the Holy Spirit, so you can channel all of this into ventures that will TRULY blow your mind!
Logan. You RADIATE life. It exudes out of your every pore. You wear your heart on your sleeve. You are passionate. You are compassionate. You are creative. You are larger than life. I hope my limited capacities don’t ever limit you. It’s true, some days these exact qualities are the ones that overwhelm me, but that’s not on you buddy…. BE YOU. Don’t ever stop. Mama will catch up, mama will loosen up, or I’ll just end up clapping as you do laps around me, and continue working to embrace your disruption of of the status quo. The world needs more of your exuberance, and you remind me SO MUCH of who I was at your age, when my body simply couldn’t handle all the life I wanted to cram into every second. Own it. You are AMAZING!
AJ. I’m not sure I have the words for you. You were a gift I never knew I needed. I fancied myself something stoic, with all these boys, maybe a rough and tumble mama. Your soft sweetness has left all that in shambles. The way you grab my face for kisses, and pat my back during hugs. They way your soft little body melts into mine and your head still fits perfectly on my shoulder. The way you run to me like I’m your favorite person in the entire world, and your belly laugh just kills me. The way you absolutely idolize your big brothers and would follow them to the ends of the earth, and the way they respond to you with such a sweet love, even moments after they’ve tried to kill each other. You are joy incarnate. You love your people SO well. You are independent. As deeply as you love, you are confident knowing you are loved in return and so you just wander freely through life, I pray that confidence never leaves you.
Selah. I’m still plumbing the depths of your eyes. They go for days. My fingers trace your satiny soft skin, play with the wisps of your hair, and push your puckered up plump little lips. Your life, your personality, your nuances still a mystery we get to unwrap together everyday. You keep me grounded in this season of chaos, my day keeping time with yours, returning back to each other every few hours. You remind me to slow, to take it all in as it goes by in a blur. I pray I will always slow to look deeply into your eyes, to connect with you there, that this life we’ll build together will go deep and wide, so you learn early that I will always be a safe place for you to fall. Lord, make that true, make me and her daddy the safest place in this world for her heart, so that she can grow into everything you have for her.
All of you… I probably get it wrong more often than I get it right. I’m sorry for that. I hope you never doubt how deeply loved you are and truly appreciated for the individuals God created you to be.
God, give me eyes to see like this everyday. I only ever want to see people for who they are, and not what their impact is or was on me, I want to see them like you see them. Give me eyes to see.