The results from the sonogram came back inconclusive. They want me to get an MRI and biopsy. My baby turns 6 in 5 days. These are not sentences I ever expected to be together, and though I know the truth that my God will never leave me or forsake me, and that He has one hell of a plan for all of this that is for my GOOD…. my spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak.
My spirit says bring it, cause I know the battle is His, and He wins. My flesh weeps like a child, paralyzed with fear.
Its ridiculous really, and pisses me off to no end, because the miracles are EVERYWHERE in my life. Every where…. Here, Here, Here, and another just occurred this weekend. If you hadn’t heard we have 4 days left with Hannah watching the boys this week and then she is off to start a new adventure. She is incredible and gave us PLENTY of notice, and for the first time, I simply trusted it would work out. Rather than my normal m.o. of FREAKING OUT, I did nothing. I told people we were looking, but for the 6 weeks of notice I had, I did nothing else, believing it would work out.
On Saturday, we opened up our home, so some friends could host their couples Metro Group Game night over here, and had 8 couples show up. As we were closing down the evening, I was conversing with a women I’d just met (we were corn-hole partners), and asked her the staple ‘what do you do?’ question. She replied that she really wanted to work with kids, but couldn’t get hired anywhere because having just recently moved up from Columbia after her wedding, she still didn’t have all the necessary legal papers, and she was terribly bored at home….. You see where I’m going with this…. I offered. She accepted. He’s literally bringing His miracles to my doorstep now. I don’t understand why. I DEFINITELY don’t deserve it. I can’t even explain it, outside of my total adoration of Him, my dependence on Him, and the simple fact that, after many years of wrestling with whether I believed Him to be good or not, He is ALWAYS good.
These miracles are just His evidence of that in my life…. to get me through these desperate moments of all consuming fear. The moments, where you let your mind wander for a second and are crushed with the incredible weight of what IF He calls me to it? What IF that moment comes when laying your life down isn’t metaphorically anymore? That’s the problem, when I stay up too late alone. The world is too quiet, and that second hangs with all the sweet images of a life that I love, a life I claim as my own, that isn’t really mine at all. It’s mine to love deeply, but hold loosely…. because all the evidence in the World confirms its but a vapor.
I don’t mean to be morbid… and really I’m fine…. because we know that hope comes in the morning… and it will. It always does. There was just a moment tonight, but it was significant to me, and I had to record it. I wanted to remember, that no matter what any test ends up showing…. even in that moment when I let my mind wander to the worst, I did not waiver on His goodness…. and that is a first for me. I am BELIEVING, and would LOVE for y’all to believe with me that its nothing but some ugly ball of fat (yes, you can wish fat on me for this one time), and it will just melt away into nothing!
(****Caveat for any reading this, still in that place of wrestling with God….. should the results come back with something less desirable… keep in mind I’m a human with hormones and mama bear instincts…. and I might have some words…. That doesn’t make God any less good. The thing of it is, He is big enough to handle any words I wanna throw at Him, knowing sometimes my fear does the talking for me. He loves me anyway.)