I went back to work today. This means the ‘theoretical’ problem I spoke of so calmly is no longer theoretical. It’s real. In case you haven’t noticed, solving theoretical problems is my jam. I’m all calm as a cucumber, anxious for nothing, totally zen….. or as Momastery would call it: I’m Suzanne. When it comes to actually living it out, in the real world…. I hyperventilated for a hot second, while repeating ‘it’s ok…. one foot in front of the other, just the next right thing, you can do this’, with approximately 50% of my brain. The other 50% of my brain was screaming, ‘you idiot, what were you thinking, there is no way you can do all of this, this is ludicrous, crazy…. CAAAA…. RAY…..Zeeeeeee!
Then I had lunch, and decided telling the world (or 20 people), that my theoretical problem solving skills and real world problem solving skills were a far cry from one another, lest y’all think I’m actually zen over here. I think the straw that broke the camels back this morning, was discovering school for the boys was starting 2 weeks earlier than I had anticipated. I was planning on an after labor day start date, sometime around September 9th. Not so fast my email said to me…. only TWO WEEKS…. TWO WEEKS…. until serious crazy train starts barreling down the tracks, because we’re due to report to our first week of CC on Aug. 26th?!? Yikes!
Kevin knew something was up last night while we were walking around our neighborhood with the kids after dinner. I was unusually quiet. Something is usually wrong when I am not saying anything. He kept asking what was wrong, and truthfully I kept saying ‘nothing’. The thing of it is, when my brain has TOO many things to think about, it seems to actually break my brain and I can’t think about anything. It’s like I found the illusive ‘nothing’ box, that men seem to have but women only dream about. There were SO many thoughts, swirling SO fast, that I couldn’t actually nail down one to chew on…. so it left me thinking about nothing, but also apparently unable to speak. There ya’ have it Kev, should you even need the secret sauce to shut me up again, simply give me TOO much to think about!
I’ve decided I’m like Tris on Divergent trying to catch her first Dauntless train (if you’re not as hopelessly addicted to tween fiction like I am, you’ll probably miss this analogy). When her life is moving at the slow, methodical, Abnegation faction pace she blends in and keeps up. Then she joins Dauntless and her first act is to catch a moving train. It zooms past her at first, and leaves her a bit dazed while she tries to figure out what she’s going to do. Then she starts running, but the train is still out pacing her, and it looks like it might pass her by altogether. In the last second she catches her stride and makes the transition, and eventually goes on to dominate in her new faction, but not without a few bumps and bruises as she acclimates to her new lifestyle.
The only picture they had online of the train jumping was when Four (her boyfriend) was catching her and pulling her up….. But, I figure I have a hottie helping me along the way too, so it was still fitting 😉
The entire Dauntless mantra throughout the book, is about doing things despite fear, in the face of fear even, and overcoming obstacles in your way. So that’s what I’m going to do. Anxieties be damned. Yes, they’re still there, and still screaming this is INSANE, but I’ll find my pace. I won’t stand on the platform dazed. I will find my new pace, and we WILL make the transition.