It is 7:23am, and three of my four kids are still sleeping. This hasn’t happened. Ever. So I sat here for the last twenty minutes watching baby girl crawl about the floor, cooing, and smiling her biggest, brightest, ‘I just woke up from a great sleep, and I’m ready to greet the day’ smiles. I needed this. I need time to think, because a decision is looming on the horizon. Next week our childcare strategy takes another shift, in what has proven a long and winding road with as many twists and turns. God has provided every single time. This time, a potential opportunity has presented itself in the form of a brand new center based care. Of any center based care option, I have every confidence THIS would be the one I would pick for my children. So I’m left scratching my head as to why every fiber of my being hasn’t already secured a spot for the littles. Then she turns her head to look at me again, and coo and smile, and its no longer a mystery. I would miss this.
Parenting is a never ending line of difficult choices. There are no guarantees the choices you make are 100% right or wrong…. almost universally, the odds seem closer to 50/50. These aren’t choices between good and bad, harm or safety, feast or famine, they are choices about whether to move from a crib to a bed, when to try potty training, are they ready for a two wheel bike without training wheels, how little should you cut up the food to keep a baby from choking. It’s trial by fire, and the test subjects are your children.
By every good and logical measure of sanity, any wisdom this world could offer, the choice would be simple. Take the relief a center based care would provide and call it a day. Surely God is NOT suggesting I keep working, homeschooling, and keeping an eye on two busy littles in the process, that’s just crazy talk. Right? It is. I KNOW this. I also knew Home Schooling was crazy talk. I knew four kids was crazy talk. He’s brought me absolutely TO MY KNEES. This school option, I can see it as what would bring me back to a standing position. I want to stand. I want to stand so very badly. When I’m standing, I feel in control, and control has always been my drug of choice.
There is not a right or wrong answer here.
Here is what I know. He has fundamentally changed me these last five years. He has provided in every way, at every turn, and together we have already done the impossible. These years ARE short, and outside of divine intervention these are my last babies. They drive me insane. They fascinate me. They make me want to cry and laugh several times a day. I’m currently choosing between the impossible, and the possible. He is a good God, and any choice made in faith of His power and strength commands His blessing. He is my protector and provider, should I get in over my head, He is always able to save…. It’s kinda His specialty.
BUT….. Control, security, sanity, are GOOD, and they are currently within my grasp. This could VERY much be His work for my good, to free me up for other dreams He’s placed on my heart.
The boys have come up now. They have all greeted their sister with hugs and kisses, Caleb is holding her. AJ is regaling me with ALL the happenings of his snugglies overnight, and they’re all sitting down for breakfast. Tomorrow they could all wake up at 6am screaming at each other and fighting. There are no guarantees. This decision will be made within the week, likely over the weekend. If you read this, I would love your prayers. I want to know beyond a shadow of a doubt we’re following Him. I want a peace and an excitement about whatever choice we arrive at. He has me. He has my kids. We will fear not, He is with us.